Depression and Change

The only constant in life is change. Has to be one of the truest statements ever made. Today I want to look at my battle with depression and how change affects me. Prior to my diagnosis of a mental illness I always thought of someone with OCD as a person who is cleaning their house 24/7 or washing their hands constantly. I never looked at how routines can be linked to mental illness. What I didn’t realize at that time was that I had my own different addictions were an issue of their own.

I never really got into drinking, never smoked cigarettes and never touched a drug growing up. And I thank god for that. I had always said that if I touched any of those things to much that I’d end up addicted. I feel like I have an addictive personality. I’m not talking about a routine where I get up at a time, get my coffee etc. I go through phases where I need certain things each day around the same time. A year ago it was a NoS energy drink. Had to have one of those every day at a certain time. Then I moved from Nos to redbull. I had to have particular flavors on particular days and had to have it as my first drink of the day. And now it’s a peppermint patty. I need to have one before I go to bed regardless of what time.

I never found any issue with having things like this until something changes the routine. My routine has been changing a lot lately and it has taken its toll on me. Gone is my daily regimen. I haven’t found one that has made me comfortable to replace my previous. My son is back in my life. This isn’t a bad thing by any means but it’s a change in my life and my regimen that I’ve yet been able to grasp. My meds have changed. Its easy to say so what but when your body needs time to adjust it throws your entire planned days off. This is a lot of change for someone who chooses to live in one room all day every day because it’s the only place he can control what happens. I’m sure I’ll get through this but I can’t remember the last time I felt myself. I don’t have bad days they are just weird days. Like things are missing.

My advice to any of you that struggle with change, and have routines is to take change slowly. Sometimes you don’t have a choice but if there is a choice then take it slowly. We don’t realize how much we rely upon our daily routines to get us through days that might otherwise have been miserable. Our routines become an escape, a vacation from what we are struggling with.

No one ever said change was going to be easy. Take it at your pace. And if you are caught up in a routine that helps you through a day make sure you begin to look for alternate sources of comfort. I’m still struggling with my fog. I don’t like change. I don’t like change I cant control. But I am thankful for some of the changes that have come along in the past few months. Time to get back to the fight.

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