It’s been nearly 4 years since my mental health crisis began. The breaking of my mental health back was my marriage coming to an end. There were other factors that played into it, many in fact but that was the last straw for me. I think it touched on such a wide variety of insecurities I’ve felt throughout my life that it magnified the situation twice over. Since the ending of my marriage 4 years ago I have not been a part of any kind of romantic relationship. There are varying opinions about mental health and relationships and in this blog I’m going to give you my version and why I’ve avoided them.
4 years is a long time to go without feeling a warm embrace of a person who wants to be part of your life that isn’t a family member! Someone who is fully invested in your life and you in theirs. That last sentence is where my struggle begins. Fully invested in their life. Can I be fully invested in someone else’s life when I struggle to get out of bed on certain days? Can I be fully invested in someone else’s life when I’ve just started to reestablish a relationship with my 9 year old son? Can I be fully invested in someone else’s life when I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my trust issues? Do you get the picture of where this is going? And this is assuming I meet someone that is willing to accept a 43 year old man without a job, on disability, living in his sisters spare bedroom, and has mental health problems. At what point do you think a female would tell me to stop when I started listing out that 4 star list of qualities? I mean one of them is good enough to get you shot down let alone 4 of them.
The trust issue I spoke about goes back years and doesn’t just involve a romantic partner it involves everyone and everything. Being molested and being told it’s ok makes you question everyone and everything all the time. I’m looking for motive behind every sentence, I’m trying to be 3 steps ahead of the person talking to me to make sure that I don’t put myself into a position of being hurt again. Not only is it not fair to me to be like that it’s absolutely not fair to put someone else through that type of suspicion. But that’s how I am and that’s just another wonderful quality that I bring to any potential relationship.
For some reason in relationships I’ve always found myself chasing people that don’t want me. When my ex was ending the marriage after her affair I threw myself at her time and time and time again. She had me arrested and I’m sitting in jail thinking about how she made a mistake and this will all work out. I’ve been this way my entire life. Always chasing girls out of my league for some reason. I even do it in in other relationships as well. I often throw myself at people who really don’t want much to do with me. I have to have their approval and acceptance. I will go out of my way to do nice things for people that don’t accept me like others do just in hopes they will accept me more. I will go further out of my way for those who don’t accept me than for those that already do. One thing that is hard to learn and accept is that chances are if they don’t feel how you want them to feel about you by now then they likely never will. The question is are you willing and capable of cutting the cord on that relationship?
To finish up my stance on having a mental illness and being in a relationship I say this. If you can find happiness then why shouldn’t you. I’m not at the point in my life and I may never be at the point that I want to find a girlfriend. It doesn’t make me right and you wrong or vice versa. We are all at different points in our path to recovery. If you feel like you want to find someone then I wish you all the luck and no matter what you choose I wish everyone all the happiness in the world.
REMEMBER… YOU MATTER!!